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Food Curmudgeon Archives: How I Learned to Hate Fruit
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My Armageddon Meal Mix-up by J. Dan Whacho 
The Union of Concerned Scientists, Biblical prophecy and some friends of mine are predicting Armageddon again coming up here pretty soon. Now, I know that's a lot of superstitious hogwash, but it did get me wondering: what do you eat during Armageddon? Food would be in short supply during those difficult end-times. The Bible was no help. I lost a lot of sleep.
No, no, I wouldn't eat the animals. Animals have rights, even zoo animals. No, I would just steal their food. After all, that food is paid for by my hard-earned capital-gains taxes. The animals would not be able to stop me because they're caged. So now you're probably wondering: what do animals eat?
Day 1: Reptile Area And I'm immediately going: hold on. It's Armageddon, for chrissakes. There are no more fresh tomatoes. Thanks, Betty Crocker Cookbook. About as helpful as the Bible. Anyway, they don't have any armadillos at the zoo. It was starting to seem like this food project was too complex for them.
Day 2: Petting Zoo I looked in their food trough. Millet, alfalfa, chaff. When the animals were distracted by the children I stole some, took it home, cooked it and ate it. It made me ill, but it kept me alive for another day. And that's the whole idea of food.
Day 3: Wild Dog Exhibit Hmm. Vehicles would be in short supply after Armageddon. So I assumed I would have to provide my own. I went home and rented a Vespa and ran over a squirrel. I had to run over it several times. I took it to the zoo, stole it -- stole it twice, actually, for practice -- took it home and ate it. Not only did it make me ill, but you know what it tasted like? Yup. It tasted like squirrel.
Day 4: To Hell with it
Famous Lunch |
But then I remembered: hey, we've got a great food resource right here in town. The zoo.
Do not touch the animals in the petting zoo. All day long they are petted by children, whose little hands are major disease vectors. Mumps, chicken pox, croup. After Armageddon, the plague. It's a wonder the animals don't just keel over. 
I asked an attendant what the wild dogs were fed. He said they were fed carrion: squirrels, raccoons and possums accidentally run over by zoo vehicles.
DELICIOUS CITY