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Food Curmudgeon Archives: How I Learned to Hate Fruit | My Armageddon Meal Mix-up
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I've Always Hated Food and Now I Know Why by J. Dan Whacho 
A Chinaman named Lao-tsu once said that a truly balanced diet contains both healthy and unhealthy foods. But I don't like foods. Balanced diet?
I don't have a diet. Lao-tsu? Mind your own business. Alright, the man is dead evidently and it can't be helped. But then there is the valid
question of the propriety of a dead man giving health and lifestyle advice.
But sometimes you've got to stop thinking and go with your gut. I am a journalist: I write about hating food for a living. That brings with it a certain responsibility, to be open to new ideas and to expand my perspectives. Unhealthy foods? I had no idea. Learning about fats, salts and other culinary no-goodniks might help me discover new and exciting ways to hate food. The professional in me could not resist.
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Mercury
Mercury is an element with many industrial applications and is used in electrical relays and unhealthy foods. In the old days you just got your mercury from fish, but that's iffy nowadays. What with changing standards, there is just no way to be certain.
But wait. There's mercury in those compact fluorescent bulbs. Finally a use for them.
I harvested several bulbs from the hallway of my apartment building and extracted the mercury from them using a mortar and pestle. I then procured several slabs of fresh sushi, fried them in hot oil to destroy the parasitic worms, and drizzled the ground mercury over them.
Hmm. Crunchy ... good texture. Fishy taste with a hint of, I don't know, cadmium. Tingling in my fingers. Nausea, tremors, blurred vision, nerve damage: the sushi was laying waste to my immune system. And the mercury? I felt curiously warm ... say. Maybe the mercury was helping me tell my temperature.
I gave the whole kitten-kaboodle an hour of being unhealthy for me before capping off the repast the way I end all my meals, with a satisfying hurl. The project was going well.
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Parasitic Worms
I traveled many miles to a market in Chinatown and addressed the merchant directly. "I don't like food, and only eat it should circumstances demand. Please direct me to your parasitic worms." He responded in Chinese and other nonsense. I was losing respect for Lao-tsu. It seemed I would be forced to eat sushi again.
I procured several fresh slabs of same and bit into one. Chewy ... slimy ... oh wait. Think, numbskull. Chewing them negates the whole endeavor. I took another slab and slid it unblemished down my esophagus using tongs. I then allowed it to remain in my stomach for a time being harmful ... and I noticed something. That tingle? That was the tapeworms working.
Interesting: they were eating the sushi. And it occurred to me that my new unhealthy companions could serve the purpose of eating my food for me, saving me time and effort. Finally a cost-effective unhealthy food. We slept restfully that evening.
Because I was responsible for them, I made sure, in the days ahead, to feed the parasitic worms healthy food -- crud, which helps them grow -- as well as (in order to give them a balanced diet) hot oil, which is unhealthy for them.
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Crud
According to know-it-all bitch Betty Crocker, crud is not food. And so it would be incumbent upon me to devise a crud recipe using little more than old-fashioned common sense.
I gathered some leftover sushi from a recent meal I had not eaten and combined it in a copper tureen with the remnants of a 7-11 corndog, also not eaten. Fold in one old egg, beat briskly with a wire whisk. I then allowed the mass to molder naturally in the warming rays of the sun until it was ready to be carefully packed into a cavity in the underside of my lawnmower, at which point I completely forgot about it, then remembered.
I flipped over the mower. Oh, crud. Cool ... crunchy. Crisp as an October morn. My head filled with mucus. A perturbation of the bowels. I went inside and rested on the linoleum. Vision blurry, nerves damaged, thoughts confused. Odd. Could I be allergic to crud?
At any rate, we can agree that crud is unhealthy. Aside from that, I can't think of anything positive to say.
Later I enjoyed my cleansing hurl ... and right into the bucket went Werner, Twiggy and their growing family. An amicable parting, if an overdue one. I am not good at unhealthy relationships.
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Hate Blooms Anew
Mercury, parasitic worms, crud. Poison kibble, mineral water complete with lead, candied botulinum in resealable packets. Tiny magnets that pinch off your intestines when you eat them. From now on I'm sticking with foods imported from the land of China! Thank you, Lao-tsu. I feel better already.
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DELICIOUS CITY