There is hope! All of you who have stuck your head in the sand and prayed to emerge in twenty years with a more stable international outlook, rejoice and give praise. It has officially been announced that the newest chapter of Optimists International claims Iraq as a new home.

This service organization best known for "bringing out the best in kids" held its first meeting at the former palace of Saddam Hussein. The meeting began with folk music entertainment from Pearse Marshner. Yes, the Pearse Marshner of Christendom College who has been helping the Coalition forces for over a year now.

Since Iraq is three percent Christian, and most of that minority has fled the country seeking any nation that might have anything resembling a cross, it must have been quite a forbidden concert for the young Muslim ladies in Burkhas the attractive young singer swinging his hips to "Rejoice in the Lord Always" as he strummed his large infidel guitar to the shrieks of fainting Optimist members in the front row. Nobody at Baghdad's Optimist Headquarters responded to our emails on whether the event was a sleepover.

Plans were later unveiled to promote an essay contest for local high school seniors in the Baghdad metropolitan area. The theme of this year's essay contest will be "What a Free Iraq Means to Me." "The plan is to award a $500 or $1000 educational scholarship to the overall winner," announced Ben Krause of the Ministry of Justice for the Coalition Provisional Authority. "Or, it may be a travel voucher," he added. As we suspected would be the case, Mr. Krause did not respond to emails inquiring whether the contestant had to still be alive to win and if the travel voucher could be used for a one-way passage. I'm telling you, this stuff just does not write itself.

Have you noticed that Aaron Spelling has been very quiet these days? That's because somewhere in a tunnel with a hidden door to the oval office sits the Producer Extraordinaire, the genius behind 90210, the Chief International Plotline Developer Spelling. Right now he s dreaming up the best reality television show ever. Possibly the most elaborate production ever captured on tape. What is it, you ask? A full scale R.V. invasion. There is a reason that even though gas prices are so high, R.V. sales are at an all time high. The opening shot of thousands of R.V.'s speeding off the U.S.S. Reagan will make Saving Private Ryan look like a cartoon. Every red-blooded American with a shotgun and a house on wheels will be after the billion dollar prize to capture Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and behead him live on television's most watched moment in history. Mad Max, please, a mere puppet show in comparison.