Belltown Messenger

Over the last year I've shared my thoughts on how to create some exercise habits you can successfully follow for the rest of your life. Nevertheless, people relentlessly ask me, "What are the real secrets to fitness?" And they demand, "Spare me all this talk about sensible workouts and having compassion for my limitations-give me the fast and efficient methods you fitness insiders keep hidden from the rest of us."

So, always willing to help, I've decided to share with you a long lineage of techniques both fantastic and arcane. From you I ask only one thing: keep these secrets of "the way" to yourself. (Indeed, if these were to be shared with the masses, there would be sudden and utter chaos. Besides, we would not want to put Shape or Men's Health magazines out of business, would we?) Now sit down in a quiet and hidden location and soak this in-without making any notes. Here are the secrets to total fitness: Jog up and down Mt. Rainier once a month-that's all you have to do. No sprinting. Make it a slow jog.

Watch an infomercial with "Body by Jake," buy his newest abs machine and, once it's home, use it when you like. Or not. Either way you're getting more fit by the minute.

Ride the Seattle to Portland bike race on a tricycle. Just once a year. Push your car in and out of your garage every day. You can pull it, too, if you like.

Get up each day-except Sunday-at 5:00 a.m., the same moment fitness guru Jack LaLane climbs out of bed. And then, like Jack, workout for 2 hours-remember he's doing it with you; you're not alone...and you'll live to be 100! Race a ferryboat to Bainbridge Island in a kayak. Sundays are best, as I think the ferry system runs slower that day.

If you ride a bike, let the air out of the tires first, then go 70 mph, but take it easy going down the hills.

Here's a real pearl: If you read enough health magazines you will soon begin to look like the models in the advertisements. I swear. Repetition, repetition.

To really cut back on your calories, be sure to get 2 percent milk instead of whole fat stuff when ordering your mocha drink (you can keep the whipped cream on top because that's considered the "breakfast" portion of your drink). If you purchased a Bow-Flex and don't use it, no problem, because it also serves as a great clothes rack...and again, just by having it in your house, you're becoming more fit every day.

So while you were wondering if the only way to stay fit is to be consistent and moderate and just plug away day by day, there is indeed another path. Remember, these secret ways, with which you are now entrusted, must remain our "little secret." And, no matter which method you choose for staying fit, remember this: Which ever best keeps you out of the hospital wins my vote of approval. Have fun, enjoy the body you have and-who knows?-maybe in your next life you can come back as Arnold or Madonna.

peter@clubzum.com