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This month, springing into the new season, let's take a minute to celebrate foolish fashion throughout the ages, and be reminded of what's on the horizon for the blooming Seattle fashion scene in 2-0-0-7 [info at end].

The wacky wonders, the big blunders, and the April fools keep the fickle fashion world churning and get everyone talking. They range from the medieval mistakes, through to the hapless jeans-and-dress combos and low-slung, baggy jeans with exposed underwear ensembles in evidence today.

Tragic, trivial, timely and toxic-from garish to great, the fashion world is as much a sum of its mistakes as it is of so-called successes. Think about Marie Antoinette with the ship woven into her two-foot bouffant, Gwyneth's many mistakes at the Oscars, or the social infiltration of the Ultilikilt. What's "not" is sometimes more enthralling than what's "hot" (or "haute" whatever the case may be).

Without further ado, let us begin:

- Underwear. Oh underwear. It began with Eve's leaves, morphed into bustiers and chastity belts, then from granny panties to thongs and pushed-up wonders. How did what is supposed to not be seen become so important? Just exactly what is Victoria's secret? Ornamented, underwired, laced, printed, padded, labeled, boutiqued, and so forth. Intriscally underwear is good but there have been dis-ass-ters. The biggest blunder is letting it be shown when it is not good, i.e. the "wrong bra" and/or inappropriate foundations. Think of a snaggy navy bra bleeding through a crisp, white shirt in court. Even white on white on right isn't right. (Nude, duh.)

Madonna rocked it in the 1980s. Some rockabilling chicks do it right with the elaborate, sexy black bras under wife beaters. It can be done but if it's just your fancy foundations you want them to see just where that (or get a job "modeling" at a massage parlor). There are a few shops here in Seattle; also, "trashy" lingerie is a top seller on the Internet. Think Madonna on the Blonde Ambition tour, or even just the seductive tease of an exposed bra strap. Leather sometimes works-but beware of the "Hogs-n'-Heifers Syndrome."

Lower quarters, too, deserve utmost consideration-a lot of RandD goes into this. What is worse the Suzie Who-Who walking down the street with her besp hot pink panties under white liner trousers?

- Footwear. It's a conundrum of which is the overall worse: The Cowboy Boot or the Birkenstock (Tevo) look. Yikes! (If you hear either being referred to as FASHION, run away as fast as possible.) Nothing from the actual "Jesus sandal", through medieval times, until the sans culottes became lords of fashion town warrants this slack (Oregon-esque) sight. It can be agreed cowboy boots are worse in this case, because some sad senoritas think they can dress 'em up and call it "fashion." This is intrinsically wrong. They were built as a staple work shoe for horsemen throughout the world. (What is next, nurse-y loafers?)

In Seattle we have no excuse. Ladies, find some amazing ankle-exposing hot heels (if you have to wear jeans). Or, if boots are the requirement, there is a whole world out there. Think dressage. Think dressed-up equals fashion, not "I am gonna make these sad old boots look good." Nope, can't be done.

The Birkenstock movement doesn't bill itself as a trend or a style, but more of a "statement". A statement shouting, "I live in Fremont and I'm not gonna shave anymore!" It says, "I don't care what you men think of me. Me and my calloused, cracking heels made homemade granola today and are gonna eat lots of Ben and Jerry's."

Jelly shoes: OOOOO, yuck! The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out... Have you ever really worn these? Feet are instantly transformed into smelly, sweaty, dirty locker rooms. The sad plastic numbers are resurfacing for this season. Even as a six year old, I knew these were bad and dangerous.

- Fur. Hating it, that is. Not to be too Kant-ian, but where does PETA stop and common sense begin? Fur is warm and gorgeous. It's a celebration. It looks great and is the perfect accent in so many ensembles. Consumers tend to be misinformed, i.e. the recent "dog fur scandal;" but if designers/manufactures can be honest, it is better for everyone. How many times does one have to hear the fur lecture from some yahoo wearing leather?

- Love beads and all that heinous hippy bric-a-brac. What was happening there? Yuck! Picture it: "Yeah we've got a great fashion idea man, lets strap a bunch of brightly colored, plastic puke to our [dirty] clothes, in our [uncombed] hair and all over our sad sarongs pronounced SO-wrong)... Yeah man."

- Too-tight jeans, from stovepipe trousers to the zipper ankle. This is hard to pull off (even if you do hang out at the Cha-Cha Lounge). The ultra-highwaisted ones from the '70s and '80s are the worst. Flattering on no one, there is no reason to wear jeans let alone bad, ugly ones. (There is no good.)

- Leg warmers. The comic strip caveman Alley Oop's mammoth hair leg warmers may have been cool back in the prehistoric day but were stupid during their 1980s revival. It was shocking to see them resurface a few years ago; and now to call them fashion is an abomination.

- Goth. From high end leather bustiers to "Hot Topic goth," this genre does have some positive points, but for the most part is wrong and stagnant.

Con: Very little change. Walking from London's Camden Town to our Broadway, the same black frocks have been hanging since the Head on the Door. Spice it us with some club wear and please make sure your eyeliner isn't running. How did the Visigoths become the modern goth? (And Miss Goth Seattle? Please!)

- Grunge. Hello Seattle, flannel is not fashion and it never was. It is natural for artists to break down their craft, to demolish what is established and, to rewrite the rules. It happens cyclically. Dismantling is pop now from the runway to the streets-with the exposed stitching, oddly placed prints, "disheveled hip" and piece that look like it is the remnants of three, but it isn't grunge and (again) grunge was never fashion.

- Razor stubble. No! Don Johnson's facial hair was soft; he used products. Making out with a guy with stubble leaves man-rash, which isn't rational. You're not George Michael. Very rarely does this look good. Just shave. Girls prefer clean shaven.

- Hair don'ts (as opposed to hairdos) deserve an ode of their own.

It was the litany of early hair treatment fiascos which lead to the licensing of beauticians. Trial and error with chemicals and heat, on and around the head, is not good. Even the licensed ones release clients from the salon in questionable states.

Let's also mention the powdered and bug-ridden Victorian and Edwardian wigs as WRONGS. (One of the best American fashion rebellions of all was Thomas Jefferson wearing a beaver pellet to court instead, as his wig.)

- Courtney Love. Girl, you know it's true. Bad news bears. Good rule of thumb: Whatever this chick-y wears is bad. An "easy reference guide" sort of thing: If she did it, the answer is νες (pronounced NYET). I.e. sad baby-doll dresses: NOPE. Oversized lips painted way too hooker red: NOPE. Glom-i-ness coupled with bad hair, screaming and coattail riding: NOPE. Sad boots worn with tragic dresses: Can we count all that is wrong with this?

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As for now, spring is in full fling. The belted trenches (build up upon and improved from last year's models) are the must-have pieces, in various shorter lengths. They cover (and look SAVVY) with about anything-and, if you shop right, it even dresses up the outfit (check out Ann Taylor, Barney's, Sway and Cake, etc. Nordstrom has a great silver one!). Dresses are also IT! Scarf-y dresses are big; lots of prints and patterns, fitted-yet-blousy looks, flirty, etc.

Get out and check out some live fashion events to learn more. The Seattle fashion event (not merely shows but EVENTS darling) season gets under way this month with the Art Institute's Runway Fashion Show, April 20 at the Fenix, 1700 1st Ave. S.

The annual event showcases AI student designs, emphasizing individual students' design collections. They are so serious about the clothes, models will each be sent out with dark opaque tights over their shoes. This year's cohesive theme is "The Streets to Fashion" and will include street wear, contemporary and couture-with a wedding dress as the grand finale. The multidiscipline event include design students as well as marketing, photography, audio, video, and maybe even culinary students. Tickets start at $15; contact John Oleson at (206) 239-2289 or joleson@aii.edu.

The Seattle season culminates with Fashion First, the biggest local independent fashion event. Begun at Belltown's former Bada Lounge, the event is now in its fourth year. Now it is big enough, co-creator Joan Kelly says, that this year the focus is quality not quality. It will be Aug. 2 at the Fenix.