Belltown Messenger

Attention fellow humanitarians, it is time to take the world by the throat and hug it into submission. In case you have been heavily sedated by coffee and endless Fox news reporting, I shall tell it to you straight: This planet is headed for self-destruction.

In such dire times it is up to the fools, the dreamers to point out the greedy ways of those that hold power. Since we, as peace-promoting citizens, do not wish to resort to violence it is time to initiate immature college pranks. As the Blues Brothers would say, "We are on a mission from God!"

Instead of letting a rabid wolverine loose in the pharmacy section of your local Wal-Mart, why not instead spend an hour or so loading up a shopping cart full of items to purchase with a third party out of state check. As my grandmother always said in reverent tones, "Good old Mr. Wall Mart, a good protestant man." Thus, he must be on our side. Maybe his ghost will rise up to help our cause. It would be easy to think up a million monkey wrench ideas to create problems for the rotten corporate giants, but we need to organize and create a unified and effective attack.

Thus, on April 16 we will meet at the International Center Fountain to form the W.T.A. (World Team of Artists). Our slogan, "Kick 'em in the Balls." At this historic meeting the twelve disciples of mischief will be named. If you would like to apply for one of these twelve positions, contact me at the Messenger with a paragraph or two on why you deserve the position. The twelve board member titles are as follows: Head Honcho, Artistic Admiral, Charity Commander, Environmental Envoy, Defense Department Anti-Diplomat, Nude Negotiator, Corporate Crusader, Religious Right Rebel, Secretary of Silliness, Prince or Princess of Publicity, Music Mismanager, & the W.T.A. Ball-Kicking Mascot.

Our first major goal will be to plan for an April 1, 2006 conference with representatives from around the world. Maybe we can get U2 to play on top of the Washington Mutual building or Tim Robbins to do a one-man show on George W. Bush's wild years as a cocaine fiend.

Send in your ideas and resumes and get ready for action. In the meantime I suggest you do what my lawyer Sloof Lirpa has recommended. Due to the loss of revenue caused by increased oil prices, I am demanding that Halliburton pay me for lost wages and the mental duress their illegal behavior in other countries has caused. I'm asking for $10,032 or I'm going to have to "Kick 'em in the Balls." With that said, hope to see all of you fellow activists in the Halliburton Prison and Re-education facility (currently under construction in the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge).