Belltown Messenger

I believe it's time for all film critics to shut the hell up and be sent straight to prison. Too much linage is spun by these pen-whores in honor of an endless series of movies that are insulting to my intelligence. Therefore I have gone to the trouble of carefully screening the following films so I can write presentable reviews for my readers those who in their wildest dreams could never hope to accumulate even a molecular fraction of the wisdom I possess.
Since it would tax even the lowliest scribe at the crappiest alt-weekly newspaper to peck out more than a sentence about most of today's film projects, I have kept things within that constraint. After enduring ninety or so minutes of drivel on each digital video disc, as well as a miasma of extras, interviews and other rubbish an unselfless act that I consider my civic duty I sum up these projects neatly. You can then spend a minimum amount of time deciding whether or not you wish to further pursue a purchase of the DVDs, based upon my brief review, because I am smarter than you, and being a man of self-made independent means allows me the time to contemplate upon pop culture rather than to consume it like some sort of addled wild animal in between what you mortals would call a "job."
Those of us with a lifetime of fruitful labor behind us who are willing to perform this menial dismissal of pop culture deritus should be treated like the gods we are. It is my nest egg that I worked so hard for which subsidizes this sort of enlightenment for the unwashed masses.
Be warned! The usual Hollywood trifle in the form of "new releases" is not the sole object of my scorn. I will freely review Seattle independent films, and any other project that is sent to me on DVD format.
c/o Belltown Messenger
2318 2nd Ave. PMB #1081
Seattle, WA 98121
FRIENDS
The Complete Eighth Season (2001)
By the eighth season the only characters yet to have sex with each other are Monica and her brother Ross, leading to an unexpected embarassment when Chandler catches them in a most amusing game of Monica's own invention called "Thumblefumble."
WONDER WOMAN
The Complete Second Season (1977)
At the height of 70s feminism the most popular show on television was about an alien-fighting disco amazon decked out in a satiny American flag bathing suit.
HELL'S ANGELS
produced by Howard Hughes (1930)
Imagine my surprise when I learned that this film has nothing whatsoever to do with that motorbike riders club that I am affiliated with, but instead is about WWI airplane mechanics.
BAMBI
Disney Special Platinum Edition (1942)
The first in a long line of animated animal snuff movies from Nazi sympathizer Walt Disney.
FARGO (1996)
Any movie where a guy gets fed into a wood chipper is going to be great.
UNFORGIVEABLE BLACKNESS
The Rise and Fall of Jack Johnson (2005)
What I really can't forgive is Johnson's serial drunken driving, not his blackness or his fondness for white women.
SPORTS ILLUSTRATED
Swimsuit 2005 (2005)
This shallow soft core titilation panders only to repressed baptists and other ignorant Mississippians too afraid to make the plunge into inexpensive and readily available hardcore pornography.
THE BRADY BUNCH
The Complete First Season (1969)
Three boys and three girls, unrelated by blood, live in a house full of grim 1970s teen fornication supervised by a gay dad, a frigid mom and a housekeeping lesbian nun.
SUPER SIZE ME
A Film of Epic Proportions (2004)
A man, apparently not retarded, tries to impress his vegan girlfriend by eating at McDonald's for a month, and fails after vomiting in a parking lot.

2318 2nd Ave. PMB #1081
Seattle, WA 98121
editor@belltownmessenger.com